Here’s the deal I live with the word inspiring. I live with the title mom and wife. I can usually push it forward. I had a good day. A day I got to grocery shop and have lunch out. The pain was just a background noise.
I met with my wonderful co-host and I listened to the first interview he did by himself (spoiler he rocks and you will be able to listen to it in two weeks) and two things hit me. One listening to a man I had never met open up and talk about his life affected me deeply. He talked about how he discovered he couldn’t push through his illness. There was no reasoning out of this. That was a solar plexus hit. First I do it all the time. I think I can talk myself out of my chronic pain. If only I would just... meditate it away, not eat sugar, do more I think you can fill the rest in. Listening to him and his struggles that felt so real to me I felt so much less lonely. So the second thing I learned was that I want to say:
All of our guests and listeners. Until I heard an interview I was not a part of making I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how much you all do for everyone who listens. I hope you all know how important you are and showing pink underbelly can really impact someone who is feeling lonely.
Now it’s my pink underbelly time. I am feeling so lonely right now. Today a woman who was assaulted spoke up and was silenced. Welcome PTSD. Today I went from a low pain day to have a complete shoulder dislocation. Not a little dislocation we are talking horror movie. I am sitting in bed taking my Vicodin scared that a few people with agendas will take away the only pain management tool I have to be able to stay in my home when these dislocations happen. (If you are thinking dear god why doesn’t she go to the hospital I will gently ask you listen to my podcast interview and also state that this is not even close to the first dislocation of the week). I am feeling intensely vulnerable and scared and not even a little inspiring.
I am feeling very grateful that my mom will be here to help me with the kids tomorrow. That my husband will go in late to work to get the kids to school. That my daughter made her dinner. That my son helped out around the house. That my pug curled up with me. That my co host ROCKS and did a wonderful interview with a man I am a little jealous I did not get to meet. I am grateful medical marijuana is legal because that is the only reason my shoulder isn’t still spasming. I am grateful my Vicodin is still legal so that I don’t scream and frighten my children. I am so happy there is the internet to let me ramble so I don’t pay for therapy.
That’s it. This is real life with a family and an invisible illness and chronic pain. After all of the articles I have read about the opioid epidemic I thought it was fucking time a person who lives in a pain scale of 7-9 should get a voice in this.