I have a HUGE discord between who I am and who I think I should be. This gets made starkly clear when one of my closest friends is the person I see myself in my head being. She is an f*cking rockstar.
This all came to a head today. Her birthday and a VW overnight camping trip. Wheelchair campgrounds she was super kind and thoughtful.
Here is wher my optimism gets me and others in trouble. We talked about this 5 months ago. I did give the standard I might cancel Wen you drive up to my house speech but in my head I was already becoming the california adventure girl. You know the one who perfects bedhead and ocean waves albeit from a wheelchair but how many #inspiring disabled bloggers do the same?
I had been passive aggressively trying to cancel without clearly saying I AM DYING AND EVERYTHING HURTS AND IF I COME WE WILL BE SPENDING THE ENTIRE TIME IN A RUSTIC COASTAL ER. I really have to work at telling people exactly what I need. It is a MASSIVE work in progress but
1. I HATE disappointing anyone. Trust me my family knows this
2. I was not ready to give up the #inspiring california instagram perfect weekend of campfires and roasting s’mores from my wheelchair.
So if my body had any doubts that fun might be on the horizon it went into full meltdown. I am talking bones sticking out. Loss of blood to limbs giving them that oh so lovely smurf as dusk color.
So cancelling 6 hours in advance with clarity. I hate being a “bad” friend. I know I am a disabled friend with multiple chronic health issues. That does not make me bad. What makes me bad was I was not clear with my friend. I was to star struck with a weekend of who I use to be.
I need to come to terms with my limitations. That is clear. I miss the person I was and the one I want to be. The view from my bed is not near hashtag worthy or inspiring of fun..though the pug and the wolf are awfully cute.