What Happens When Your Illness Forces You To Quit
Topic near and dear to me and we may just have to do a panel
Isn’t That push through stubbornness an attribute. The never give up never surrender. Or maybe that was a movie. Shakespeare? Nope Galaxy Quest. Is the internet not full of porn? Not that kind the inspiration porn. The disabled person who would not let disability get in their way. In other words a disabled person acting like a not disabled person. Cue the likes and the emojis.
This mind set has been a dangerous one for me and I will argue you as well in the form that it takes in shaping our policy. There is this dangerous idea that it is our willpower that holds us back from greatness not our bodies. I will wager you too have tried to fight your body. I will also wager on which one of you won the battle.
So what happens when you have to give up? First a bunch of stops and starts. We tried to ramp my business down slowly. More assistants at weddings I was shooting. Then only elopement at city hall then no weddings. Only babies and boudoir then no boudoir. The last baby I photographed left me with torn ligaments and a cast. I wish I could tell you this was because the baby was a viscious Cthulhu hybrid and I barely escaped with my life. Nope I was attempting to put her 10lbs into this pose
Seriously I was very good at my job. Even when I would leave a shoot and cry. Even when I had to take a liver whimpering amount of pain killers to finish I was always VERY good at what I did. That was the hardest thing to let go of.
Being VERY good at something. To have to move into fields that I was not an expert in. To go back to being completely new. On good days I can tell you this was affirming. To tackle something new. New synapsis new adventures. On today, I miss being excellent at something.
I knew it was time to quit when I started to cry in front of clients.When they would rush to help me put my props away so I would not try. When driving from my home home to my studio became an act of unknown courage for other drivers. When I went VERY yellow wallpaper and took to my bed for two weeks. When I and my friend could not pretend that I could shoot her amazing even 3% conference.
There was not going to be a victorious finish to this battle me vs me. What would that even look like? Would the filter version of me stand on the neck of sick me swinging cane and wheelchair off to the horizon?
What about all of you. How do you know when it is time to quite?