Do We Chose Our Lives?
So watching the last season on the Magicians. hey if you haven’t watched the show yet run do not walk to your Netflix account. I also just drank a half bottle of wine with no food with my best friend who was heading to a wedding. Before my husband left for his business trip we had a talk so yup a bunch of thoughts running through my brain.
My husband asked if I would chose this life again. I have a zero memory which means zero ability to lie. I am a great person to be married to. No. I would not. I would choose him. I would choose my kids. But this life? That would be a no from me. The suburbs is not prison per say. Pergatory seems accurate. Inspiration porn aside I would not have chosen a broken body. Cards on the table it’s a good out. If you ever fear reaching your potential throw a disability in and the bar gets much more manageable. Not appropriate? Am I not being a good cripple? Yeah not sorry and wine with no food so this is where the curtain comes back.
I thought by now I would be a professor. I would have written the novels I should have. My children would be a reflection of the values I hold clear. I don’t think I ever seriously considered a lifetime partner. God I am lucky on that one. The one who was patient enough to let me grow up into someone who could be a wife. Not a wife like I have ever seen a wife before. Not my mother’s marriage not my friends not my grandmother’s. No a wife that could be someone who stands or wheels beside. It is the only marriage I would want any part of . But I digress. When I was younger the word potential was flung around often and with great weight.
It was a mystical something I was suppose to reach. As a dancer, as a writer, as an academic, as I learned not someone sick. I remember being in a doctors office. My dad cried and wondered what I would do how I would support myself. How could I live. Was I dying? Nope but I felt like it. My doctor was explaining I wouldn’t walk after 30. I thought so fucking what. I’ll dance hard and beautifully so stunning the world will never forget and then what…I’ll figure it out.
I am a parent of teens. I know what I say and do is not a copy of what they remember so who knows how my parent’s really reacted but my take away was I will need someone. I will never be ok on my own. My survival means finding someone to lean on. That lead to some serious decisions.
My best friend has had many things happen that has forced her on her own two feet. She has not broken. She has not grasped life jackets. She will not compromise what she needs for companionship. I am in awe.
If you are new here. I use this blog as a diary or a short cut for my kids if they ever go into therapy. Maybe I’ll publish this. If I do it is for one reason. What I feel makes me feel VERY lonely. If you feel similar than that is why I hit publish. SO you and I won’t feel lonely in lives we may be ok with may even fiercely love but don’t feel like we chose.